Reflections-Brain Dumping!

I saw a TikTok last night…and WHOA!  It has REALLY made me think.  It was basically a way to start you make reflections on your life and to make changes leading you to the life that you want to live.  I NEEDED to see this.  The changes need to be made.  So….instead of just thinking about these reflections, I’m going to write them here.  For me to remind myself in 10 years where I stand today.

1. If failure was impossible, how big would you dream?  What would you actually pursue?   I’m honestly not sure.  I’ve been really looking into manifesting lately.  I truly believe in manifestation.  Not in the magical sense that if I think it, if I believe it, it happens.  But in the sense that when we focus our mind on it and believe that it can happen, we begin to make positive changes and actions leading to that outcome.  I truly believe that we hold the key to our own dreams and damn near anything is possible.  I’ve been thinking about my “dream job.”  I love what I do (to an extent) and would like to stay where I am part time, but I would like to cut my hours to spend more time with my family.  That being said, I have other things I’d like to do, but at my own discretion.  I believe in my heart 💯 that Medical Assisting is what I was meant to do.  But unfortunately that doesn’t align with my goals right now.  I enjoy where I live.  I don’t want to move.  But in my area, medical assistants are not paid well.  There is not a lot of job opportunity in my area because once someone gets into a local provider’s office, they tend to stay until retired.  Who doesn’t want a typical work week?  Mon-Fri, 9-5ish, no holidays and no weekends?  No brainer there!  But maybe there’s another option?  What if, maybe I could stay part time at the pharmacy and get a part time medical assisting remote job?  There’s a lot that a medical assistant can do remotely…medication reconciliation, medication refills, chart preparation, updating charts, reviewing recent office notes and testing from other doctors and facilities, submitting prior authorizations, triaging phone calls.  And a lot of that can be done at any time of day.  Maybe there’s somewhere that offers that possibility?  Remote medical assistant job that I can do at my convenience?  Maybe I could do it once the kids go to bed and get a few extra hours in a week?  Do it Saturday and Sunday mornings before everyone wakes up?  Maybe cold calling and submitting my resume and putting the idea out there is a way to make it happen??  Maybe I’m just dreaming, but I’ll never know if I don’t try right?  With this reflection, anything is possible.  I’d also have KaitleeKares as a global known organization.  Everybody would know about it.  Everybody would support it.  KaitleeKares would make a difference for people.  Maybe start creating journals and stuff like that for others.   Things that will help people.  Maybe a monthly subscription magazine.  With different activities or worksheets to help those who are suffering.  Maybe do care packages.  I’ve recently seen “scoop videos” on TikTok and I’m obsessed with the idea.  I have a huge selection of products (would help towards feeling good-maybe journals, maybe stationary, maybe hygiene products—idk” and you do a scoop of beads - each on representing a certain product.  They basically get a “surprise package.”  It would be nice if I could do a few surprise packages.  A lot of times, those who are suffering financially struggle emotionally also.  It would be nice if I could send some packages to some who couldn’t afford them.  But then again, how do you decide?  How do you get people to pick from?  I’m not sure.  This is just dreaming at this point anyways.  I would also have my dream craft room.  I would have a little bit of all of the machines! I’d have a nice sewing machine, an embroidery machine, a 3D printer, a laser engraver and printer, a scroll saw, a circuit, and I’m sure there’s more that I’ve been thinking about that I’m missing right now.  Just because with ADHD, I tend to change directions frequently.  I’d like to have the ability to do whichever I prefer for the day.  There could also be really cool products in the “scoop surprise” options if I had all the machines to make it all myself!  And it would be great to be able to let Ava, and Ella and my niece Jaeda be able to use all the machinery and see if they like doing any of that stuff.  Even just as a hobby.  Maybe KaitleeKares could open a little “rec center” where teens and young adults could come hang out.  Maybe have a group - not necessarily therapy but  same concept.  Who says you have to be a therapist?  Those who suffer similar issues can provide such an impactful perspective.  Maybe having craft sessions or a place to go watch movies or play basketball or play fuseball and arcade games would help a lot of teens stay out of trouble.  Maybe having somewhere safe to hang out with their friends could really help our area and the next generation.  I would have my KaitleeKares butterflies all over the world!  They would be everywhere and people would share everywhere!  Tara’s memory would be remembered and everywhere!  Man oh man, this dream keeps getting better and better.
2. What does your day look like?  What problem do you want to be known for solving?  What skill do you want people to associate with your name?  I think the skill I want people to associate with me is something I already possess to be honest.  My “voice of reason” as one of my coworkers once called it.  I’m very good at, I think empathy is the correct term.  I tend to put myself in others’ perspective and tend to not take things to personally.  I’m a people person.  I’m pretty good at deescalating situations.  People deserve to be heard.  Yes, this guy just flipped out on me because his copay was $600 this month, but I know he’s just frustrated with the situation, as would I be.  Healthcare in this country is outrageous and unaffordable.  It’s sad, but it’s true.  I have actually been making it a point to try to make sure people are “heard.”  And it’s been working.  In the past few weeks, I have been told almost a dozen times about how kind I am.  I’ve been thanked for being kind, and thanked for making a transaction easy, and for listening when they just needed someone to talk to.  I take a lot of pride in that.  There have been a few days recently that I have REALLY struggled emotionally, so I needed to hear that as much as they needed me to just be kind.  I had no idea what they were going through, but I made a difference in their day, no matter how small.  I want to be known for helping make mental health a priority.  It is such an issue in our country and it’s still being brushed under the rug.  People are afraid to talk about it.  Or they simply can’t afford it!  It’s just not fair.  I’m not a professional, but I can listen.  I can give tools that have helped me.  I can put you into contact with others who can help you if I can’t.  I want to wake up everyday and make a difference.  I want my kids to see me being successful and happy.  I want them to see that hard work pays off.  I feel lately like I’ve really done my children a disservice because I haven’t made them work hard enough.  It’s something I’m working on lately because they need to know how hard life can be sometimes and they are the only one who can make their life successful.  Everybody has different ideas of success, but I don’t want to see them struggle all of their lives either.  I’m still figuring this parenting thing out.  I would get up every morning, go to the kitchen table and write in my journal and read my Bible for an hour or so.  Then i would go work out for a half hour or so.  Shower and get ready for the day.  Prep supper.  Head to work at the pharmacy.  Come home and work remotely for a few hours while doing supper in between and getting the kids off of the bus and running them to activities and appointments as needed.  Then after supper we would clean up together, make sure the house is tidied.  We’d go outside together for an hour when it’s nice out.  Go for a walk, play on the playground, whatever just enjoy the sunshine and each others’ company.  Then the girls and I would go to my craft room while Davey does what Davey does.   They would do whatever crafting they want while I work on KaitleeKares.  New designs, videos, website, anything like that.  Shipping packages or anything like that.  Then we would come back to the house, maybe have a small snack.  Get bathed and ready for bed.  Everybody else would go to bed and I would stay up for another hour working on whatever I felt needed worked on for the day.  Everyday would be productive.
3. Your environment matters!  Where do you live?  City? Country? House? Apartment?  Describe down to the smallest detail - even the coffee on your desk!  Oh man, this is a TOUGHY.  I love my house.  It would have some work done.  We’d have new siding-maybe tan instead of white?  Like a light brown maybe?  And my back porch would be much bigger—the patio would be extended.  My steps would be redone.  The cement would be filled in and not have the holes in it.  The yard would be more manageable.  I’m not sure what that entails because my husband does a lot of the yard work - but he would have to spend a lot less time a year managing the yard.  We’d have a nice tablet and chairs and grill.  We’d still have our porch swing and the awesome chairs we have - I love those chairs!  We would have a garage down where our carport used to be.  Actually, maybe we’d just build a new carport.  Yeah-the garage would be in the back yard at the top.  Davey already has his mind set where that would be best fit for our area.  The garage would fit 3 cars - and have a complete second floor.  Thats where Davey would have his “man cave”. He’d keep his hunting stuff up there mostly.  But there would also be a storage area in there where I could keep our Christmas decorations or anything else that needs stored.  And a decent sized home gym up there.  With ALL of the basic machines - two of them actually.  A treadmill, elliptical, weight bench, and I’m not sure what the other stuff is honestly.  And a pull up bar.  And matts on some of the floors so it’s not so hard.  Maybe a water cooler in there.  And a large TV that’s hooked up to internet so I could do YouTube videos if my heart desired.  And large mirrors all around with some large windows for some natural light.  There would also obviously be heat and air in there to help whichever weather needed it at the time.  Then we would have a shed-probably where the chicken coop used to be.  It would be a large shed though.  Huge actually!  Davey could keep all of his “tools“ out there like quad and tractor and whatnot.  Bicycles and scooters and whatever else.  But there would also be a second floor to that.  And that would be MY ROOM.  That would be where I do KaitleeKares stuff from.  My craft room.  Where all of my “machines” would be.  A table where we could sit down and paint together if we wanted or what ever else.  It would also be heated or air conditioned.  A small cabinet to keep snacks and a small fridge for drinks.  A bathroom so I don’t have to constantly run down to the house but also a work sink to wash out paint brushed and whatnot.  I have a part of it separated for where I film my KaitleeKares videos.  I do a video daily.  I have a blog where people can submit their stories on this site - I would have somewhere where I read the stories submitted - just so others are reminded they are NOT alone.  When KaitleeKares shed is born - my front porch becomes a front porch again instead of my craft room.  We can enjoy it again!  My house is tidied at all times.  Kept dusted and vacuumed.  Things are purged.  Almost minimalistic.  Why are we keeping things we don’t need?  It’s just silly!  If I don’t use it now, why would I need it in the future?  I’m sure there’s something that I could use in place of if I did need it in the future.
4. What habits must that version of you have?  What time do they wake up?  How do they train?  How do they respond under pressure?  Oh man, this one hit close to home!  I am not embodying the version of me that supports these goals!  I spend way too much time doom scrolling trying to find the motivation to do some of this stuff!  Today, that changes!  I get up early.  I get up around 5AM and start my day reading my Bible and journaling about anything that I need to get off my chest.  No more sitting on the couch doom scrolling while I should be working on me.  I work out.  I can start small.  I don’t need to run a marathon tomorrow but i want to start working on my flexibility and strengthening my pelvic muscles.  I’m supposed to be doing that anyways!  I drink water and focus on what I fuel my body with.  Which in turn fuels my family better.  I get my kids involved with chores and cooking.  Not making them do them but doing them together.  I need to start each day off with a clean tidy environment - which means i need to start focusing on that before bed.  There’s no reason I can’t run the dishwasher after supper and put the dishes away in the morning.  There’s no reason that my counters should always look so cluttered.  It’s time to purge some more.   And put things where they belong.  Things don’t have homes here and that needs to change.  I need to give up the soda and carbs - instill water and protein instead.  I don’t get stressed out.  When I start feeling stressed - I focus on grounding myself.  I teach the girls techniques to help them better handle pressure.  I show them better ways of living.
5. What must you sacrifice to become this person?  Comfort?  Distraction?  Approval?  Oh my, I need to make a LOT of sacrifices.  Immediately!  I need to replace a lot of comfort and distraction.  I need to get rid of convenience.  Stop doom scrolling.  Stop sitting on the couch because I known once I sit, there’s no coming back from that.  I need to quit buying snack foods.  If there is no easy snacks - I’ll have no choice but to make something substantial and healthy.  Fueling my body to make myself healthier and feel better in general!. I have a lot of changes to make in the very near future!  Wish me luck!