Just imagine feeling this way...

Just imagine...

Imagine wanting to live a long, healthy life.  But feeling as though you are not worthy.

Imagine loving your husband deeply.  But feeling as though he deserves so much better than you and you are holding him back from true happiness.

Imagine doing the best that you can for your kids.  But feeling as though you are not giving them a proper life and they'd be better off with somebody else.

Imagine living your dream life.  But feeling as though you do not deserve it.  Feeling as though your family deserves better.  Your employer deserves a better employee.  Your husband deserves a harder working wife though you're working as hard as you possibly can.  Your kids deserve a better role model as a mom, though you're teaching them enough.  Your best friend isn't getting enough time from you. 

You want adult interaction because you feel so alone; but you don't want to be around anybody because it's exhausting putting on this false happiness.  Or is it false happiness?  You are happy.  You're living your dream life.  Why do you feel so miserable at the same time?  You're so happy but you don't feel like you deserve that happiness.  You're afraid of enjoying the happiness because you're waiting for something to happen that will take that happiness away.

You're not suicidal.  Yet you can't stop thinking about death.  It's almost like an obsession.  You get in the car and imagine hitting a tree.  You hear about break ins and think about that happening to you and they end up ending your life.  You think about getting really sick and going to sleep and never waking up.  You don't want to end your life, but you want your life to end.

If you can't understand these feelings, consider yourself lucky.  Depression (and many other mental health conditions, some that even I'm unaware of) can do this to you.  No matter how you may try, you can't escape these awful feelings.

Consider yourself lucky if you are able to thing logically throughout these feelings.  

I've been very fortunate in the sense that every time I've had episodes like that I've been fortunate to know that it was depression and I didn't really feel this way.

I pray that if you're experiencing these feelings, you know that you are NOT alone.  You are special.  You're just going through a tough time.  Eventually you will get your life back.  Seek help.  Seek help from your friends, your family, strangers, and your physician.  Seek counseling if you feel that may help (I highly recommend trying it even if you don't think it's for you!)  

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Find ways to distract your mind.  Stay busy until you get out of this "funk."  If you reach for help, you will get out of it.  It may take a while.  Tons of different medications.  Therapists.  Counselors.  It's a "game" of trial and error.  Give yourself, and your doctors, some grace until they figure out what works best for you.

Most importantly, don't hold back.  Be an open book.  And know my inbox is always available and ready for you.  

Much love, 

Melanie Ciezobka