38. My Year of Becoming

Yesterday was my birthday.  I turned 38.  Where is time going?  I feel like it’s just slipping through my fingers.  I feel like I haven’t really lived this past year.  I’ve barely survived it.  I’ve been seeing TikTok trends of a group of friends getting together and saying their biggest accomplishment this year.  And I got to thinking, I have accomplished NOTHING.  And I thought long and hard.  I mean yeah, I went to work most days, I got my kids and husband to all their practices,  appointments and treatments (oldest struggles with mental health and sees a therapist weekly, plus she’s in choir and did county choir this year, and she does marching band so she had parades and football games, and the school introductory pep rally, and lots and lots of practices!), my youngest started having eye problems so she had to see her regular eye doctor who then referred her to a pediatric eye dr (45 minutes away!) and she had an evaluation, got glasses ordered, had to go get them sized when they came in two weeks later, then had to go back every few months to make sure they worked, now she just had to pick up new glasses yesterday because her eyes had gotten worse and we had to pay out of pocket because insurance only covers kid’s glasses once yearly-so she had lots of appointments this year, plus she’s did cheerleading, Girl Scouts, HipHop dance class, and tumbling class - so lots of practices -and fundraising!), and my husband has been fighting melanoma (just finished his last treatment in November-YAY!, so he had lots of appointments also.  Between his monthly treatments, testing, and seeing multiple doctors to follow up and deal with complications from his treatments - it was a lot), and I also had a lot of appointments this year.  I had a breast cancer scare (thankfully it was just a papilloma!) but still had to have a minor surgery.  Which was rough but we made it through!  (Thank you to my sister, my in-laws, and my incredible husband - I couldn’t have made it through this year without all of their help!).

In October, I lost my brother suddenly.  So that was devastating!  But I accomplished NOTHING major.  No new job.  No baby.  No new house.  No new car (ours are barely hanging on).  No new pets.  My house is still always a mess.  I’ve started no impressive habits.  I just feel like I’m falling behind.  I feel like I’m letting my husband and daughters down.  I feel like I’m setting a terrible example for my daughters.  I feel like my husband deserves so much better.  He has handled this year with such incredible grace.  He never complains, rarely misses work, still does SO much to help and support us, never loses his temper.  He deserves nothing short of amazing.  

My girls need to be shown the best in order to have a successful life.  I’m showing them a terrible example.  They learn only my bad habits.  

But it got me to thinking, I’m the only one who can change this.  I’m the only one who can change my habits, change my ways, be more productive, and just do better in general.

So this year, year 38, is MY best year yet.  I’m going to do SO much this year.  I’m going to start fueling my body more effectively.  Sure, I eat.  But I don’t make good choices.  So my kids don’t either.  That’s my first goal.  I’m going to strengthen my body.  Sure, I’m healthy-ish.  But, I want to move more.  I want to become more flexible.  My body has been feeling so stiff anymore.  My range of motion is so diminished.  I get winded doing entirely too little of movement.  I’ll set a better example for my kids this way.  And I’ll be able to help my husband more if I’m healthier.  I want to step more out of my comfort zone.  I’ve wanted to make TikToks or voiceovers, but I hate what I look like and I hate my voice.  I’m still working on this one.  I want to experience growth - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I want to grow my relationships.  I want to be more present with my family.  I have this terrible problem with doom scrolling.  I scroll on TikTok and Facebook for hours on end.  Even when I’m with my family, I’m not exactly present.  I need to learn to protect my peace.  I need to no longer feel guilty when I tell someone no.  I need to learn to speak to myself better.  I’m entirely too hard on myself.  I need to declutter my life.  It will be so much easier to maintain my home, which will in turn help minimize my anxiety.  I also want to build deeper connections.  I want to find actual friends.  I want to build this community into what I have envisioned for years.  This is my start!

Getting KaitleeKares up and running is my first goal.  I’ve spent the last week writing this website and getting it up and running.  I’ve spent SOOO many hours updating and coding and everything to get it done.  I’ve never taken something on like this.  Writing these codes is UNREAL!  I’ve had to redo it soooo many times.  I almost gave up MANY times.  But I stuck through it.  And I got it set up.  

I’m going to build this community for myself, and anyone else who suffers through these emotions.  We shouldn’t have to suffer alone, in silence, or with any kind of guilt.  We are NOT alone.  We ARE worthy of feeling loved.  We ARE loved.  We ARE important.  And this year is going to be the best yet.

So here’s to 38 for me.  And here’s to 2026 for all of you.  May this be our BEST YEAR YET!

We all need to set some goals, let’s support each other to make them a reality.

I love you.