Transparency in Depression

Today you're going to read the reality.  No more sugar coating.  Completely raw.

My house is a mess.  You can judge me if you want.  Those that care about me do, even if they don’t want to admit it.  I know they think I’m lazy.  I know that they wish I contributed more.  To be fair, I feel the same.  At least I did.  Why is it so hard for me to simply clean the table off?  Get off your lazy as* and put stuff away.  Do the damn dishes.  Wash a load of clothes.  Run the vacuum.  It isn’t that hard!

That’s what you’re thinking, right?  So was I.  Until today.  Today, I’ve decided to give myself grace.  Because it IS that hard.  

See, for the past year, I’ve been in a severely depressed state.  I try to hide it.  I don’t want my kids to know.  I don’t want my husband to feel like he’s failing me.  I can’t let him know.  He has enough stress, he shouldn’t have to stress about that too.

I know I should be taking better care of myself.  I can’t even find the energy to shower everyday.  Why am I so exhausted?  I barely do anything.  I’m so out of shape but I’m just so exhausted!

Do you want to know why I’m exhausted?  I’m exhausted from putting on this façade that I’m okay.  That I have my life together.  But I don’t.

I have been fighting myself DESPERATELY.  Every thought I have, I spend the next few minutes or several minutes, reminding myself that I don’t really feel that way.  It’s the depression talking.  I think about how much easier everyone’s life would be without me.  But then I have to spend several minutes or even hours reminding myself that this is simply NOT TRUE.  And even though I want to end it all…I spent the next several hours reminding myself that I really don’t and this is all just an episode that will soon fade.

But it’s not fading.  I’m taking my medications as prescribed.  I’m doing my appointments.  The therapist, the counselor (not sure what the difference is though), the psychologist, the psychiatrist.  I do my appts.  I take my meds.  I’ve taken so many meds over the years…and so many of them made me suic**** that I’m afraid to even try and change it.  I’m “stable” for myself.

I recently had behavioral testing by a psychologist who said “quite frankly, your results are terrifying.  Most people could not handle the emotions that you’re admitting too.  It really saddens me that you consider these feelings your ‘stable mood’ because for anybody else I would likely admit them to the psychiatric unit even against their will because you are simply not okay like you say you are”. But this is my “stable”. I’ve been so much worse so many times.  But I’m still in a severely depressive state of mind.  I don’t know how to escape it.

So please, while you’re busy judging someone else for not having the best hygiene, or a messy house, or for ordering out constantly, or whatever you’re judging, remember that you have NO IDEA what they might be fighting.  You may not even see the slightest inkling that they’re fighting an internal battle and they’re literally fighting for their life.  They might be working harder than you can even imagine working…simply trying to stay alive.  

Reach out.  See if they’re okay.  Look at their body language.  They’re likely not going to say “I’m not okay” or “I’m struggling to stay alive”. But they are.  They really are.  And it’s the hardest fu**ing battle you can even imagine.

If you’re fighting this battle, please hold on.  Be honest with your doctors.  Fight for whatever you need.