How do I get my depressed kid to open up to me?

**For the ease of reference, I'll be referring to the child as "she" and "her" since I only have daughters.  Please keep in mind this is options for any child/teen regardless of gender identity.

I recently had a friend reach out to me stating her daughter is depressed and she just didn't know how to deal with it.  My friend has never dealt with any mental health issues.  When times got tough for her (and trust me, times got TOUGH for her!  She's the strongest woman I know!), she relied heavily on her faith in God.  She had a hard time understanding why that wasn't enough for her daughter.  When her daughter attempted to unalive herself, she took it as a reflection of her parenting, thinking that she was failing her daughter.  Why couldn't her daughter rely on God to get her through just as she had done all of her life?  Unfortunately, it's not as simple as that.

I recommended a few different options to try and really talk to her daughter and ways to attempt to open their relationship more.  Now keep in mind, these options won't work for everybody. Every single person is different.  Every relationship is different.  But if you need help brainstorming an idea that works better for your family, please don't hesitate to reach out.

One thing I would highly recommend as a starting point, is a communication journal.  Some of us have a really difficult time communicating our emotions verbally.  For myself personally, I cannot verbally tell my husband when I'm depressed.  Not because of how he would react, but because I didn't want to see the fear/sadness in his eyes when I'm telling him I no longer had the will to live.  When I need to open up to him, I write him a note.  Much like I do in this blog, I spill all my emotions out into my writing.  

A communication journal can be done in so many different ways so if you choose to take this route, please feel free to alter it in any way that might benefit your relationship best.

You could write each other a little note every day and pass the notebook back and forth.  Maybe you write a "journal entry" to your child every day and put it on her pillow before she goes to bed. She reads it while lying in bed and writes your letter back.  She puts the journal on your pillow once she gets up in the morning.  

If you both have difficulty finding words to say, you could have a specific question everyday for you both to answer.  This is actually an excellent place to start if your relationship is especially rocky.  Examples of questions you could each answer:

If you could have any superpower, what would you choose and why?

What is your favorite subject in school and why?

If you won $1M, what would you buy?  Or what's the very first thing you would buy?

If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?

Do you prefer an ocean, pond, or swimming pool and why?

What do you think we could do to benefit our relationship?

Who is your best friend?  What makes your relationship so strong?

Get creative with it!  Please keep in mind that you cannot get upset with your daughter's answers.  Sure, I wish my daughter said I was her best friend.  If she chooses her aunt, I can't get upset or even question her on that.  That will potentially cause her to edit her answers in fear of causing a fight or hurting your feelings.  DO NOT GUILT YOUR CHILD WHEN THEY DON'T ANSWER HOW YOU WANT THEM TO!  This exercise is meant to strengthen your relationship and communication between the two of you!

Another option would be to write the question on an index card or sheet of paper, one for each of you and you both answer throughout the day and give it back to one another.  

Texting each other is another option.  

There are so many ways to strengthen your line of communication, this is just a good starting point if you don't know where to begin.

Good luck.  Please don't hesitate to reach out for any other recommendations.  I'd be more than willing to help!

Much love, 

Melanie Ciezobka