How Do I Explain How I'm Feeling?

My husband asks me every single day how I'm doing.  He knows my struggles, and he genuinely cares.  He wants to know the cold, hard truth.  He wants me to open up to him.  But how do I do that?

How do I tell the man that does everything in his power to make me happy, that I no longer want to be alive?  

For context:  I was having a bad reaction to steroids causing me to feel this way.  This isn't an everyday feeling for me.  Please seek help if you feel this way EVER; but especially if you currently feel this way.

My husband texts me every single morning from work.  "Good morning babe.  How are you today?"  And I know he wants the truth.  Most days I'm more than willing to tell him if I'm having a bad day or a good day.

But yesterday.  Yesterday was tough.  I started steroids for an upper respiratory infection.  I ended up having severely depressing thoughts.  I wanted to end my life.  I was disgusted by myself.  I felt like a failure.  Why is my garden so overgrown?  Picking weeds is easy.  I ENJOY picking weeds.  Why can't I do it?  Why is it so hard for me to take a few hours and take care of my garden?

Why is my house such a mess?  My kids are old enough to be helping?  But how can I expect them to help when the example I set for them is far from a good example.  I'm the queen of letting things lay.  I try to make a conscious effort to "Don't put it down-put it away."  Let's be real - I typically let it lay.

Why is that so hard to do?  Why is it so hard to declutter?  Why is it so hard?

Because my brain is wired differently.  Just because I want to do something does not mean that it's something I'm going to physically be able to do.

So today, I give myself a little extra grace.  I ask you to do the same for yourself.  You're doing your best.  Your best might not be anywhere near as great as somebody elses' "best".  As long as you're doing your best. you're doing alright.

988-Suicide Hotline