How do I do better?!

I'm in this nasty funk.  My depression has taken over.  I can't bring myself to do much of anything productive.  I've been focusing on listing consignment stuff to keep my mind busy, but that doesn't prevent it from wandering.  "But, would they be better off without me?"  "I've caused so much stress in their life."  "They could have a mom that plays with them."  "He could find a wife more physically capable of helping him around the house and yard."   "He could find someone who could bring in some money while working from home."   My mind can't help but go there.  I try to take it elsewhere as soon as it goes there.  But it always goes back.

My physical wellbeing is struggling.  I haven't showered since Monday, well maybe Tuesday.  Today is Friday.  I didn't brush my teeth yesterday.  My house feels like it's caving in around me (truth be told A LOT of the mess is consignment stuff that will be gone next week).  The laundry has been in the washer for since Tuesday.

I know I need to shower.  I know I need to brush my teeth.  I need to change my clothes.  I need to rewash and hang the laundry.  I need to pick the laundry that's been on the clothesline since Tuesday.  I KNOW these things need to be done.  I want to do these things.  But it's like, I feel like I can't.  I keep telling myself I'm going to go do them.  I'm going to right now.  I WANT to do these things.  It's like there is a disconnect between my brain and body.  My mind is saying let's go do this, but my legs won't move.  My body will not do it.  

I'm overwhelmed.  I'm stressed.  I'm sad.  I'm lonely.  I'm depressed.  I feel like I'm failing everyone that I love more than my life itself.  I'm angry with myself.  I don't like who I am anymore.  I want to be better.  I want to be better for my kids.  I want to be better for my husband.  I want to be better for ME.  HOW DO I DO THIS?

I don't know how I'm going to bring my body to do what I need it to do.  But I need to.  If not for myself, for my family.  They deserve the best of me.  I deserve the best of me.  But I just can't find the best of me right now.  It's like she just doesn't exist.    Like I'm living outside my body.  I'm telling my body what to do.  My body says it wants to.  But it almost feels like I don't know how to.

This won't make sense to a lot of you.  And a lot of you will think "just get off your lazy ass and do it already!"  And I WISH it were that easy.  If it were that easy, it would have been done seven times already today.

Here's to hoping my body does what I need it to do today.