Can a medication "fix" me?

I have dealt with depression for the better part of my life.  I have reached a point of "stability".  I feel like I am failing at life.  I feel like I let my husband and kids down daily.  I feel like they'd be better off without me.  I feel like no matter what I do, I should be doing more.  There is not a single thing that someone can say about me personally that would hurt me.  I've said and meant so much worse than anybody else could say.  I genuinely don't feel as though I'm deserving of this life.  

I try my hardest.  But it's not enough.  My husband deserves so much better.  He is such an incredible and hardworking guy.  As for me, there's days I can't even muster up the energy to shower.  

And then a few weeks ago, I started a new medication.  I didn't have high hopes.  I've been here before.  I go in with high hopes that this medication will "fix" me.  But nothing changes.  I'm still miserable.  I'm still screwing everything up.  My house is still a mess.  I burned supper.  I screw everything up.

Suddenly, I realized the medication was helping-SIGNIFICANTLY!  

I was driving to Idewild Park (side note-the fact that I willingly drove was a huge step in the right direction because two months ago I would have never even attempted because I have anxiety driving in places I don't know).  Suddenly my thought process changed to "So what if we get lost?  I have the Waze app that will being me home."  And I drove the whole way there and back without getting lost!  I made one wrong turn.  I didn't beat myself up.  I found a way to get back on track.

My house is a mess.  Instead of looking at the mess, I found myself working on the next step.  I was proud of my cleared off stove, table, and counter.  I was no longer looking at it wondering "WHERE DO I EVEN START?"  

I was cooking on the grill without my husband bringing it up. Up until just recently, I dreaded cooking on the grill.  I don't know what I'm doing?  I'm going to burn the food!  When the grill caught on fire, I didn't beat myself up because I was going to burn the food.  I got the food off of the grill and took it inside to finish cooking it.  (My grill needs to be taken to the scrap yard - it's legitimately falling apart).

Instead of beating myself up about it, I made a plan.  I texted my father in law and asked him to bring our new grill down.  Sure, we were planning on waiting until we had the patio redone next year.  But we have a grill and the grill I'm using is not functional anymore.  I MADE A PLAN!  

It was hot outside and kind of humid.  But all I could think about were all of the beautiful blueberries on my bushes that the birds are going to get in the morning,   I want those berries.  I wanted those berries last year too.  But I never made it out to pick them.  My "spoons" went elsewhere.  Last year the birds got every last one of those berries because I didn't have it in me to go pick them.  Yesterday, I noticed I have my second pitcher of blueberries and blackberries in the fridge.  For once, my husband didn't have to ask me to do it!  I picked them on my own!

I've found that now instead of crying and feeling suicidal whenever I screw up, I'm laughing about it.  I'm figuring out ways to correct the issue.  I'm giving myself grace.

I've found a peace I didn't know existed.  

This medication adjustment has been life-altering.  I'm suddenly enjoying life and living life in place of simply existing and barely making it day to day.

Please, if you are struggling with your mental health- I beg you to search further.  If you've been medicated for years with no relief- TRY AGAIN!  This is literally 20 years later before I found the medication I feel I've needed all of my life.

I urge you to reach out to your family doctor.  Seek counseling.  Seek a psychiatrist to help you find the right medication.  I promise you - if you want help, it's there!  You just have to go through the process of elimination until you find what works.

Have a great day and please, please do what you need to do to bring your mental health to the most positive level of existence that will ever experience.  Don't cut yourself short. Give yourself the same love and devotion you give to the others that you love most.

Take care of yourself 

Melanie